Well, you can’t really spank them anymore, can you? It’s a little distressing… disciplining a teenager while you are looking up at them. In fact, most teenage boys can simply pick their mothers up and move them out of their way if they so choose. So how does a parent go about instilling strong life lessons in their teenage children and help them grow into wonderful, fulfilled, and responsible adults?
Discipline and punishment, in my book, are two different things. Punishment is about power, exerting power over your child when they have messed up. Punishment implies anger. Discipline is about educating a child, young or old, about their behavior and the impending consequences. We discipline because we want them to grow up and be productive and happy people in the world. Unfortunately, teenagers tend to tune out a lot of the normal parental efforts to discipline and parents often feel that punishment works better because it gets their attention.
Getting your kids to listen to you is not as easy as it used to be. When five minutes in the time out chair was a playtime killer and going to bed ten minutes early was a serious punishment, your kids were much more likely to heed your words and listen intently so they could learn to get themselves out of their predicament. Now they are big and the time out chair is laughable and they often even seem to enjoy the challenge of getting themselves out of their predicaments with their own wits.
In many ways, we can equate disciplining a teenager with manipulating a teenager. They want to be free to do their own thing and to create their life as they see fit. We want them to pitch in around the house, make nice with their sister, and keep their grades up. Because each of these wants is tied in with the other’s actions, we tend to manipulate our kids more than discipline them. This isn’t some horrid parenting sin. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get their attention in order to move into the education portion of discipline.
Kids with cars, eventful social schedules, or serious hobbies are the ones that are most likely to listen up when those things are threatened in the form of discipline. When ood grades mean that they can participate in the sport they are passionate about and gas money is contingent upon keeping up with the daily chores, kids tend to be more cooperative. This is because there is more to manipulate them with. When they are failing to provide the appropriate behavior that we would like to see, we have something to take away from them in order to change their behavior. Like I said, this is often how we help them open up their ears so that the educational portion of discipline can follow.
To gain any useful benefit from the manipulation stage, we have to put forth effort during the secondary discipline stage. Once we have their attention, it is important to talk with them about why they are in their current predicament and how to prevent it in the future. If you shut down their car use for a week due to slipping grades, use that week to discuss how your teen can learn to balance his activities more responsibly so that he doesn’t wind up in the same situation. Discussing why slipping grades are more important than using a car can help him grasp that you are looking beyond his action packed weekend and into his college bound future. Ultimately, you want him to recognize that you didn’t dole out the punishment and discipline just to take their car away. You want him to recognize that you are concerned that he may have lost sight of the fact that his college education is more important than his moment to moment fun.
Discipline is a tricky art form. You have to maintain a position of power in the life of a teenager if you want them to realize that your word counts for anything. We have all witnessed a young child whom has figured out at an early age that his parent doesn’t mean what they say and there really won’t be any serious consequence for their behavior. Perhaps you have witnessed this in a grocery store or other public venue. The child not only refuses to stop the behavior that the parent has corrected, but they will actually escalate the behavior the more the parent tries to correct them. Usually the parent continuously comes up with various threats. The child continues to misbehave because they already know that these are empty threats and that nothing is really going to happen. When that child grows into a teenager (without any type of adjustment to the lack of consequences) that teen will walk all over the parent because there will be no reason to adhere to the rules then, either.
Of course, we don’t want our children to be terrified of us, either. We aren’t looking to brutally beat them with some handy apparatus just because they came home five minutes late. Parents need to have rules, but becoming a drill sergeant in your own home is most likely a bit excessive. Provided that you mean what you say and follow through with action and still be willing (at the appropriate time and place) to listen and talk with your child about their behavior and the consequences, you can foster a nice balance of discipline and growth without being unreasonable.
That sweet balance between tyrant and pushover can take a little trial and error practice. When you are dealing with teenage behavior, intelligent discussion, fair and natural consequences, and the strong ability to stick to your guns is what is most beneficial all the way around. Teenagers can make you want to tear your hair out one minute and melt your heart the next. They can be master manipulators while in the next breath become the brainless wonder—child of the century. Disciplining a teenager requires firm and decisive action on your part and an ear for meaningful and productive conversations that lead to better behavior down the line.
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David Beart is the owner of the Professors House. This site contains a wealth of articles on such topics as raising teenagers and marriage advice.
